Your Match.com profile of the day

So, in order to keep my sanity throughout this dating phase I am on, I have decided to poke fun at the other single souls suffering alongside me and comment on their Match.com postings. I won't use anything like user name or location so hopefully I am "protecting" their identity, but I am hoping this will be enjoyed by many!

Info in brackets are my comments. I have named this posting: Bitter, party of one? Bitter, your table is now available!

I'd like to be married within a few years. [admirable goal, thanks for telling me upfront] I'm not a Donald Trump. [meaning you don't have crazy dead cat hair, or you look/act like him a lot and people get all confused?]
If you're looking for an intelligent conversation I'm here. [um, yeah. So far the cunning linguist, you are not] If you're looking for someone with lots of money to always pick up the tab then Match allows you to search elsewhere for that criteria. [oh, it means you are a cheap b*a*s*t*ard, I get it!]
I'm an Irish-American and that's a big part of my life. Many of my interests center on that fact. You don't need to be Irish or interested in Ireland but you should know that bit about me! [think he does the River Dance? Or decorates his apartment with creepy leprechauns?]

I think exercising and staying healthy are key ingredients to a happy life. [that's weird, you sound bitter and angry, not happy] I believe a husband and wife stay healthy for each other so they can be around for a long time. [wow, it's only been about five minutes and I am ready to stop running, grab some Ben and Jerry's and head for death just to get away from your profile and experience joy again] It's not simply a matter of staying thin. A thin person can be unhealthy and someone with a few extra pounds can be in great shape. It's important to have some goals in common.[are you sure you don't mean activities or interests?] I love seeing couples jogging together in the morning or doing other things together.[yep, dumb a*s*s meant activities or interests] Together time shouldn't only be "going out" to stare at a movie screen but also food shopping, cooking, cleaning, and excercise. [think he knows he can't spell exercise?] [perfect! I am so excited to spend time with you this weekend washing the windows! Maybe we can go to BJ's and hit "feeding time"! Oh, wait, no, that would make me fat and you would hate me. Wow, this is tough] Together time can include everything. [great, clingy boy, can't wait!]
That's not to say that we shouldn't also be individuals with our own friends! [phew! I am going to need to take a break and have fun after all those wild and crazy "goals" we share!]

Deal Breakers:
smoking
obesity
Damsells in distress
"Walking trauma victims" [why's he gotta hate on when I need to go the ER?]
Psych problems so severe that they require medication [meaning I have a prescription and take it so I can act and function like a human, or would you rather I go undiagnosed and just kill myself after hanging with you because you are so bitter?]

While pseudo-friendship can be an important start to a relationship it can also abort it. It's easy to get stuck in the friend zone and the relationship can never get out of it (fantasy TV shows to the contrary). [what in the heck TV shows does this guy watch? I think he needs to get off the couch] There are many good websites devoted to helping people find platonic friends. [uh, oh. Someone's been burned!]
I don't like dating games or "the rules". There are many smooth operators out there and I am not one of them.[really? I am so swept off my feet right now by your optimism and zest for life, I thought you were Sade] If someone tells me something I tend to believe them. [OK, how about this--you need therapy. Seriously. Go get it]

I admire women who are willing to stand on their own two feet. [oh, darn, we won't be a good match. I like to spend most of my time on my back] It's nice to find someone who chooses to be with me because she wants to be and not because she needs "someone". [I actually would question this woman. I think she is with him because she hates herself, but whatever] We're not placeholders until something better comes along. [well, actually, you are]
I should probably state now that I'm a big believer in equality between the sexes. My older brothers grew up changing my diapers, cleaning, and sewing. Mom mowed the lawn and painted the house. I don't see women as wilting flowers. [but rather as work mules who must prove their worth attaining my goals of you painting the house]
Have a good day! [and ends on a happy note. Go figure]